Hot Cookie Mess

Sometimes, your reâson d’être is to serve as a cautionary tale to others.

This “recipe” is one of those.

Combine 2 sticks of shortening, 1c (packed) brown sugar, and .5c white sugar in the mixer. Cream well. Add 1 tsp vanilla and 2 eggs, carefully removing any shell the preschooler dropped into the bowl.

Mix in 1 tsp baking soda, .5 tsp salt, and 1.5 cups flour, until smooth. Stir in 3 cups of rolled oats and 1 cup of chocolate chips.

Scoop rounded tablespoons onto two cookie sheets, one with a silpat and one (importantly) with unsecured parchment paper. Bake at 350F for 10 minutes while you feed the now-awake baby.

When the timer goes off, put the baby down. Listen to him scream while you check the cookies. Watch the parchment slide off the cookie sheet and dump still very soft cookies onto the oven door and into the jamb. Listen to the preschooler cry about how there will “never ever be any cookies in Neverland, ever again!” and simultaneously cover her ears because her brother is deafening. Try to clean as much cookie off the oven door as possible while not burning yourself. Scrape recovered cookie onto a plate, and portion some out to the preschooler. Pick up the baby and get the preschooler sprinkles (yes, on chocolate chip cookies). Eat mess with cold milk


Allow remaining cookies to cool for eating later, after you’ve cleaned the chocolate from the vents of the oven and sprinkles and milk off the freshly-mopped kitchen floor


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